Japense massicure

 ( letter from soldier after participating in slaughtering Japanese civilians)

I see them, when I sleep. There faces swim behind my eyelids, the worst is the mothers. They're fragile arms stretched out behind them, trying to shelter there children from the monster that will take away there entire world, me. They were always so determined, there eyes burning with it. The first couple of times i thought they could do it, that somehow sacrificing themselves for there children would be enough to save the kids,  but there body's always fall, just like the rest. Collapsing to the floor in a useless heap of flesh, you can see there souls leaving, just looking at there eyes. I watch as there eyes lose that fierce motherly instinct that drove them for so long. replaced by an unfocused uncaring glaze. The worst part is the kids. Looking down at there mother, tears streaming  down there faces as they're horror struck gaze fixated on me. And I know I've become the monster as i fill there mouths with a round of bullets. They fall, just like there mother. The only thing proving they ever existed is there faces that I know will haunt me to the grave. It doesn't matter how many of those people i killed that day. It never changes, feeling my entire being grow cold and my stomach twisting in seeming-less endless knots. I was just following orders. That sentence followed all of us soldiers that day, it was mumbled under there breaths as if that one phrase could undo our acts. I always dreamed of entering the army. Of fighting for my country, of being a war hero. I imagined taking down the "bad guys".  I can't help wondering if our side is the right side anymore, I thought we stood for freedom, liberty, justice. But as I looked at the dead corpses around me I can't find anything patriotic, or just about it. Innocent people, I slaughtered them. I may have been following my orders but I cant help but think that the price of serving my country that day was condemning my soul to hell.